Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 14 December 2010 15:00
NORTH POLE—The eyes of the world turned to the North Pole last week as it hosted the first government election since it was founded hundreds of years ago.
The most notable candidate running for office was Santa Claus, who was vying for president of the North Pole at-large.
This was likely due to the hefty quantity of cookies and milk he consumes each year.
But despite the new title, Nicholas has always been in charge of the North Pole unofficially.
Tannen Baum, a spokeself for the North Pole’s publicity branch, said that until recent years it seemed that the North Pole didn’t need an official government structure or officials, and never would.
“We’ve always been a bit archaic,” Baum said. “For decades we operated under the same system that Mr. Claus started when he first moved our operation here. We never felt the need for official leadership; we all just understood our responsibilities and did our jobs.”
Miss Eltow, newly elected director of interior relations, agreed: “Our primitive culture has been hanging in there for generations, but it seems that it’s time to kiss those days goodbye.”
According to Baum, the recent explosion of technology and global communication has spawned an international request that the North Pole become a structured government.
“Generally the North Pole is seen as a secretive, almost mystical country,” Baum said. “No one really knew what was going on here. Sort of ‘out of sight, out of mind.’”
But when the North Pole became globally visible in this technological era, other countries became concerned.
Pushing the initiative for a government-structured North Pole was U.S. Secretary of Homeland Insecurity Mel O’Dramatic .
“When we find a country with virtually no political infrastructure, we see it as a major threat, not only to our country, but to the world,” O’Dramatic said. “They didn’t even have a system for their wild game.”
O’Dramatic cited as an example the Bumble, a native abominable snowman species that frequently terrorizes North Pole residents and routinely writes checks that bounce.
“When a country has no democracy—when we have no way to track its stability and political standing—the United States has a history of taking matters into its own hands for the good of international peace,” O’Dramatic said. “That’s exactly what our country did for the North Pole.”
U.S. troops began occupancy in the North Pole in January 2010. They left last week, after citizens went to cast their votes at the pole poll.
In addition to the presidential race, North Pole residents elected several other notable citizens to the North Pole Cabinet.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was elected secretary of elevation transportation.
However, after the election, questionable tactics about Rudolph’s campaign were raised by his opponent, Donner.
“Some of Rudolph’s methods revealed several red lights to us,” a representative said.
Political critics were quick to point out that accusations from the Donner Party were likely just to scapegoat the party’s loss, which regularly experienced inner conflict and lack of direction throughout its campaign.
Now election officials are debating whether they should recall the most famous reindeer of all.
The most slush-slinging, however, occurred between The Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge, two candidates contending for the secretary of Christmas cheer office.
Both candidates experienced positive changes of heart in the last several decades, political critics said, but are likely still not stable enough to be a steady positive influence.
In television campaign ads, Grinch frequently brought up ghosts from Scrooge’s past. Scrooge, meanwhile, alleged that Grinch forged his heart X-rays and never actually learned the words to the Whoville Christmas song, therefore claiming he is a fraud.
Instead, the secretary of Christmas cheer position was given by default to Chevy Chase because, let’s face it, his face is on TV more than anyone else’s during the Christmas season.
Finally, for secretary of the exterior wonderland, Frosty the Snowman was the first to toss his silk hat into the ring. This proved to be a mistake, since it is his hat that keeps Frosty from freezing.
Medics at the North Pole Icy-U eventually reattached his hat, and Frosty made a full recovery.
Also running for secretary of the exterior wonderland was Jack Frost. Frost ultimately won that office, just nipping ahead by a nose.
In a statement to the press later, Frosty congratulated his opponent, but said he would run next election, vowing, “I’ll be back again someday.”