Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 05 September 2007 04:37Remote control: Click.
Announcer: Good evening. I’m your host, Frank Shoein, and you’re watching the 6 o’clock edition of the Daily First Alert Eye Witness Overly Dramatic News, the No. 1 ranked news program of both the National News Broadcasting Association and my mother.
We begin tonight’s program with a Special Interest Feature on Hank Bliss. Tonight, Bliss is celebrating 60 years in the construction business. We go now to our reporter in the field, Wanda Scene. Over to you, Wanda.
Wanda: Yes, Frank, as you can see behind me, there is definitely a large turn-out for Mr. Bliss’ celebration. He began his construction business 60 years ago today, and has always proclaimed on obnoxious, home-made commercials that run during the local news hour, that his construction quality is the best in the tri-county area.
Ironically, it is no secret that the work is shoddy, and that their jobs rarely hold together, which is why they keep getting rehired to fix things. This is how the company has made it 60 years.
Of course, no one really cares about the Special Interests Features, which is why I’m sending it back to you, Frank.
Announcer: Thank you, Wanda. It is truly inspiring, how such bad quality can blindly make it through 60 years successfully. It just goes to show that ignorance really is Bliss.
In other news, Hurricane Luigi is currently pushing its way up through the Gulf of Mexico. Or maybe it’s the Florida Keys. Frankly, I have no idea. All I know is, it’s nowhere around here.
The Big Yellow Frowny Face graphic above my left shoulder is indicating that this hurricane is a bad thing.
As you can see from the stock footage that we show every hurricane season, people on the coast are scrambling to buy the necessary supplies they will need to ensure that they will endure the storm. We will be sure to bring you up-to-date on Hurricane Luigi as it continues to build in intensity.
In the meantime, let’s check in on our own local weather, with Harley Able in the Daily First Alert Eye Witness Overly Dramatic Extremely High Tech Weather Lab Which Isn’t Really a Lab Because It’s Located Five Feet Away From My Desk.
What’s the weather looking like, Harley?
Harley: Well, as you can see from all the computer monitors and high-tech graphics around me, we are definitely the No. 1 weather center on any news show in the area. Behind me is a screen displaying a map of local cities, and I am conveniently standing over whichever city that a particular viewer wants to see.
As you can see by this blue line accompanied by the letter L, we have a low-pressure system moving through.
Low-pressure systems are caused by unusually low air pressure and you really don’t care, do you?
Let’s now check in on our seven-day view, where your weekend is always in there somewhere. As you can see by the extremely colorful and highly animated graphics, next week will indeed contain a lot of weather.
Back to you, Frank.
Announcer: Thank you, Harley.
This just in. (Frank shuffles around some papers. He scans them, pretending that they are brand-new reports, when they are in fact menu copies from restaurants that cater to the news station.)
Hollywood starlets Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton signed a contract today, stating they will only raise controversy on an individual, regularly set rotation. This will help the media keep up-to-date on their exploits in a more organized manner.
Also, Hurricane Luigi, which was last seen pushing its way through the Bermuda Triangle or something, was downgraded to only a tropical storm by the National Paranoid Weather Service about five minutes ago. Of course, we will continue to keep you posted on this major storm.
We now go over to sports, with our sports anchorman, Phil Indablank. Phil?
Phil: Thank you, Frank.
Yes, there sure are a lot of sports going on. You’ve got your professional sports, your college sports, your high school athletics, your athletic supporters… Hot digity, sports are just everywhere! And there’s so many different kinds, too!
Football is in the spotlight right now, with the beginning of the season AND various players getting shunned for illegal activity. But of course there’s lots of other sports going on, too.
Because, dadgummit, there sure are a lot of sports! Back to you, Frank.
Announcer: Thank you for those wonderful insights into sports, Phil.
I have just gotten a report that Hurricane Luigi, last spotted somewhere in the ocean, has completely vanished. We have no earthly idea where it has gone. A search party has been released to find it.
We now have an update on the presidential races for 2008. Leading the democrats is Hilary—
Remote control: Click.
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UFO: Believe it or not, the “Star Trek” theme has lyrics.
Don’t ask why.