Don\'t Ask Why
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 01 December 2009 21:09Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.—Dave Barry
For me, the Christmas season does not officially begin until I am standing at the end of an insanely long line before sunrise, listening to cheesy Christmas music being blasted through low-quality department-store speakers.
This is a...
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 17 November 2009 13:58The way I see it, the problem with buying a new car is that you aren’t really solving any of your old problems; you’re just inheriting someone else’s.
I’ve come to this conclusion in the last several months while getting to know my new car, Dante.
Regular readers of this column—who should be seeking medication—may remember my former car named Max.
Max had the automobile variety of leprosy, which systematically broke, rusted, knocked off and leaked out important fixtures within him.
Max was a wonderful car, but last summer I decided that it was time to move up a bit. That is, moving up in newness.
I am now the proud debt-ower of a 2006 Dodge Stratus named Dante.
Dante is a fiery red color. This almost caused the naming...
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 03 November 2009 13:36I am reminded of a “Peanuts” cartoon in which Snoopy has just returned from a family reunion. After queried about the event, Snoopy’s disappointed thought bubble reads something similar to, “the anticipation far outweighed the actual event.”
This is a bit how I am feeling about the H1N1 virus or, as it is commonly referred to, the swine flu.
This is not to be confused with the N1H1 virus, which is actually Influenza A. (You needn’t worry about contracting N1H1, as the media has not yet wet itself over a tizzy of televised and printed revelry.)
You should also not confuse it with HINI, which is an acronym for either the Heinz Infant Nutrition Institute or the Hostelling International Northern Ireland.
However, both of...
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 20 October 2009 13:50I decided recently that the only reason I’m an English major is so I can tell people that, no, I am not going to be a teacher.
Then I get this look, as if to say that I am the most unprepared, apathetic and purposeless college student on the face of the earth.
“Well then what are you going to DO?” they ask, genuine concern in their voice.
I’d like to tell them that I’m going to become the next great American novelist. But this is not looking hopeful, as I’m having a hard enough time reading other people’s works, let alone writing my own.
(This column does not count. If this column is to be considered literature, then Brach’s kerosene-flavored Circus Peanuts marshmallows are gourmet food.)
Right now, for instance, I...
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 29 September 2009 13:11“Lord,” I recently prayed, “I know you made me in your own likeness. But are you really that uncoordinated?”
About this time every year for the past six years or so, I find myself deeply involved in some sort of music theater program. And, being so, I come to the realization that another year has gone by, and my brain has yet to find any sign of intelligent life in my feet.
It’s a little like Mars: I know everything necessary to support life is there, but my Rover has not been successful in locating any sort of dexterity.
Every year I pray that maybe, just maybe, some sort of hidden hormone will appear and give my legs dancer-like abilities in time for the next musical. However, as each show rolls by, I find that there is no...
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