Don\'t Ask Why
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 14 September 2010 17:04When you get a new cell phone, it’s sort of like picking out some sort of new accessory. After all, in today’s society it is with you wherever you go—school, work, business trips, the bathroom.
It sort of becomes a part of you, unless you drop it in the toilet, in which case it becomes a part of you that you must be willing to let go.
You don’t want to get a phone that’s dissonant from your real personality and style. After all, you want it to get good reception (rim shot).
For example, you’re not going to want a real fancy, bells-and-whistles kind of phone if you are a minimalist and conservative. Similarly, if you enjoy a flashy and extravagant lifestyle you won’t want a phone that merely buzzes if you get a call.
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 31 August 2010 16:30Several weeks ago I had the opportunity to reflect at great length on a song that many of us know by the simple title “Head and Shoulders.”
That’s because I had come down with a severe mid-summer bout of something that the medical profession has chosen to call West Nile Avian Swine Mad Cow Pox Influenza.
Maybe you think I’m hyperbolizing, but I am in fact simply exaggerating.
Actually, I take that back. I’m being serious.
At some point in early August I picked up a virus that took over my immune system and ordered my body to go into Absolute Discomfort Mode.
I’ve felt miserable before, but this was the equivalent of getting your wisdom teeth removed via ear canal while simultaneously donating two pints of blood with both...
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 17 August 2010 18:55For those of you who haven’t been to chain discount stores lately, it’s “Back-to-School Season.” This means that families across the country will be purchasing brand-new book bags, red felt-tip pens, erasers, folders, three-ring binders, protractors (whatever those are), calculators, markers, scissors, crayons, Elmer’s mid-afternoon snack, rulers, pencil pouches, No.2 pencils, mechanical pencils, colored pencils, pencils with personalized names and eyeliner pencils (just kidding).
And they will do this despite knowing full and well that they already have several perfectly good sets of these items at home from school years past.
But they will buy these things anyway, because it’s the Back-to-School season, and tradition...
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 03 August 2010 17:18I recently had the opportunity to visit my eye doctor. This particular visit was inspired several weeks ago when one of my contact lenses disintegrated in my eye. This turned out to be the last contact in my supply, which meant it was time to get a new prescription.
I always enjoy my checkups. My doctor—we’ll call him “Dr. B”—is a great guy.
I’ve been seeing Dr. B (albeit with slightly blurred vision) since I was in third grade. Having inherited my dad’s vision genes (classified under “Bat, Blind as a”), I am ensured of at least one checkup a year.
My appointment started with his assistant. We’ll call her “Donita,” because that’s her real name.
I’ve gone to Dr. B for 12 years, and few things about these...
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 20 July 2010 19:20I think that for the interest of our anxieties, we need to take a moment to stop worrying about the escalating natural disaster taking place in the Gulf Coast, take a deep breath and focus on the escalating natural disaster taking place in the Marion Reservoir.
For those of you tuning in from my July 6 column, this is the second half of my two-part investigation of the outbreak of the zebra mussel, an invasive dime-sized crustacean named after its striped distant African second cousin (twice removed): the striped polecat. (I’m partially kidding. I think.)
Of course, when I say “escalating natural disaster,” I really mean “something that we all read about in the newspaper a couple years back, but never really got around to...
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