Mr. Peanut a-salted in shell game?

Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 17 May 2011 14:04

Thank you for reading the column of David Vogel. Unfortun­ately, David is unavailable due finals week, and is at the moment tracing the evolution of the persona of a hero in the American western film genre and memorizing a German aria. Simultaneously.

While you are on hold, please enjoy this Classic Don’t Ask Why column from February 2009.

*?*?*

It was unclear whether the recent recall of peanut products caused Planters spokesperson Mr. Peanut to crack.

When the recall began—which was in response to salmonella poisoning—the Planters company stated that Mr. Peanut had been acting a little squirrelly.

Late last week, video surveillance caught Mr. Peanut entering a local bank in his usual attire of a top hat and monocle.

He...

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Mr. Robb is a giant among teachers

Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 03 May 2011 15:44

As this school year comes to an end, Hillsboro High School will be left without one of its most valuable, respected and dedicated resources. Social sciences teacher Jim Robb will be retiring this month, leaving behind a legacy of student learning and growth.

I first had class with Mr. Robb my junior year of high school in 2006.

Scuttlebutt about teachers always filters down from upperclassmen through hallway lore. Mr. Robb was no exception. By the time my class was preparing to enter his classroom for the first time, a sort of respectful legend had already been established at Hillsboro High.

Mr. Robb possesses the reputation of a tall tale, a status that is more literal than you might initially think.

His broad frame towers over his...

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If songs reflected average lives…

Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 19 April 2011 18:49

While fiancee Hanna was spending a few days with the Tabor College admissions depart­ment in San Antonio over the weekend, I woke up one morning with this Elvis song stuck in my head: “Well since my baby left me, there’s a new place I long to go. Well it’s down in the big ol’ Lone Star state; it’s San Antonio.”

Obviously, those aren’t the real lyrics.

But it got me thinking: What if all of our classic songs started morphing to reflect the lives of average people?

Or worse, what if all of our classic songs started morphing to reflect my life?

And even worse yet, what if these songs started playing during the day, like our own personal soundtrack?

It would be terrible!

Here’s one my greeter at Wal-mart—I’m...

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Bridal fairs are fairly outrageous

Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 12 April 2011 17:07

The book that fiancee Hanna and I have been using in our premarital counseling sessions has been explaining why Adam and Eve’s pre-apple relationship is the ultimate spiritual example of a perfect marriage.

But there’s one point the authors failed to include: Adam and Eve didn’t have to plan a modern wedding.

There’s probably a good reason they didn’t mention this (heresy, possibly), but it’s still something to think about.

For example, Adam and Eve didn’t even have to worry about finding the perfect wedding gown or tuxedo. The extent of their shopping trip included a quick bite at the Tree of Knowledge Drive Thru before a brief stop at the Fig Leaf Boutique.

Nowadays, brides aren’t allowed to purchase a dress until...

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