Don\'t Ask Why
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 02 August 2011 19:52I have a confession that I need to make, and it’s not that I secretly harbor an admiration for the anonymous wordsmith who penned my favorite short poem: “Objects in mirror / Are closer than they appear.”
What I want to talk about is actually something that’s been sitting heavy on my chest for a few weeks now. It is actually directly related to this column, and that’s why I’m sharing it with you today.
Several weeks ago, wife Hanna and I were grocery shopping together for the first time. We got to the meat coolers and Hanna asked me what we should get more of, ground hamburger or chicken breast.
This is a very important decision, I came to realize, because the answer to this question very early in our marriage could...
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 19 July 2011 18:45I would like to take a moment to briefly discuss the preoccupation with acronyms that we have in this country (aka the USA).
The other day I was watching a program in which a British lad said something about the “telly.”
The use of the word telly got me thinking: Why do we initialize TV instead of simply shortening the word to telly?
Honestly, “telly” makes more sense to me. Talking picture shows used to be called talkies, and moving picture shows are called movies, so it seems logical to call our television the “telly.”
But we don’t. In fact, our society goes even further to abbreviate a majority of the common networks: ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, TNT, TBS and MTV—which, I might add, is an acronym within an acronym...
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 05 July 2011 18:29This was supposed to be a funny column lampooning the legal system.
When I received a bright green packet in the mail several weeks ago, and subsequently attended the jury selection process, I had already started forming jokes about summoning and courtroom high jinks, planning to open with a “Law & Order” these-are-their-stories spoof and outline the absurdities of lame excuses and a jury made up of “Gilligan’s Island”-like characters.
But then I, along with 13 other people, was selected out of more than 500 to serve as a juror for the case, and as the trial sludged on it ceased to be funny. Making light of a situation such as this would not only be distasteful, but also a slap in the face to every single person—victim...
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 28 June 2011 14:56If I was a writer for the “David Letterman Show” and was assigned to create a Top 10 list for the topic, “Advice given to engaged couples,” my No. 1 would be something to this effect: “You may THINK you know the other person, but just you wait until you’re married.”
Hanna and I received this bit of counsel from a wide assortment of folks in the weeks leading up to our wedding date. In fact, it came with such frequent ferocity that we packed Brodie helmets in our luggage to prepare for the onslaught of revelations that would explode after we said “I do.”
Am I hyperbolizing for the sake of an elevated word count? Perhaps.
Still, many people did warn us to be prepared to learn a lot of new, unexpected information about...
Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 14 June 2011 16:17Following the age-old tradition of pre-nuptial preparations, several weeks before Hanna and my wedding I started an intensive, self-disciplinary diet that was guaranteed to rapidly shed some extra pounds.
This custom dates back to our Founding Fathers, who sailed the ocean blue in 1492 before landing at Plymouth Rock, after which they started several wars against the British, the South, the Native Americans and the Spanish Americans.
It was during these battles that the Founding Fathers discovered that their military diet of sparse local greens and wild game caused them to significantly shed weight to the point where George Washington was reduced to nothing more than a set of wooden teeth in a glass of Polident.
OK, perhaps I’m...
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