Don\'t Ask Why
Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 02 April 2008 17:13I feel like I’ve been disillusioned. All of my life, I’ve been led to believe that poets were overly sensitive people who spend hours sitting in a dark room, meticulously putting their sensitive thoughts onto paper using sensitive words.
The poetry we always read in high school textbooks brought me to the basic understanding that poets are either depressed or in love, sometimes both.
Take Shakespeare’s famous Sonnet 18: “I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold….”
No, wait. That’s Psalm 18.
Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18 starts, “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”
Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 19 March 2008 05:18If there’s anything that you want to avoid under any circumstances, it’s making a satirical remark about how long it has been since your girlfriend last shaved her legs.
I learned this the hard way.
Shelby was telling me about her plans to dye her hair to give it more of a reddish tint. This was when I had one of those moments where something funny pops into my head that’s better left unsaid, but I blurted it out anyway.
“Why don’t you dye the hair on your legs while you’re at it,” I said. “Then it will match.”
I didn’t particularly mean anything by it, but I quickly found myself sitting alone on the couch as Shelby was marching up the stairs.
It’s not like I had a lot of room to talk. In fact, at that point I...
Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 05 March 2008 14:35Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve decided that Daylight Saving Time is just one big pain in the gluteus maximus.
An announcement in church last Sunday reminded everyone to set their clocks ahead. I decided I’m not going to.
As far as I’m concerned, if God had wanted earth’s rotation to be convenient for us, he would have installed some sort of dial in a fairly handy location so that we could adjust the speed at which our planet goes around the sun.
Then we could take a vote ever few years to see if the current speed is suiting everyone. If people feel there is too much or too little sunlight, then we could adjust the time until the next poll.
I think presidential elections would be an opportune time to do this. I think it would...
Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 20 February 2008 05:15I’m getting the impression that my car is giving out on me. Any day now I’m expecting to walk out of my house on a school morning and find a large mound of teal debris sitting in the driveway with four tires mixed in among the rusty dust.
Max, the name I have lovingly bestowed upon him, has been giving me subtle signals lately that seem to be indicating that at any moment he is going to poop out, leaving me sitting in the middle of a road in a 2,000-pound, blue-green, Camaro-shaped paperweight.
Actually, it has been less than subtle, and there have been very few actual signals.
The use of the word “signals” is a play on words.
Early last week as I was turning left, I noticed that Max wasn’t making the familiar clicking noise...
Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 06 February 2008 16:12I’m driving in my car on a nice, clear Saturday morning. I feel like listening to some good music. I think I’ll turn on the radio and see what’s playing.
“And the Lord didst TELLEST Moses to geteth His people OUT of Egypt by speaking througheth a burning bush! So Moses DIDST propose the idea to the pharaoh, and he didst sayeth, “LET MY PEOPLE GO!” But the pharaoh did NOT care for what Moses or God had to say, and he DIDST sayeth to Moses….”
“…that all cars on our lot are now a whole 50 percent off! It’s like we’ve slashed our prices in half! Now, you’re probably saying to yourself, ‘How can they afford to do such a crazy thing?’ Well, let us just tell you that we are crazy here at Crazy...
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