Don\'t Ask Why
Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 30 April 2008 08:32I was enjoying myself at Hillsboro High School’s junior/senior/assorted underclassmen/several outside dates prom two weekends ago when I discovered that I have a serious dental emergency that I need to have looked at immediately.
Until that moment, I had been having a pleasant evening. For one, my girlfriend, Shelby, managed to obtain a teal 1950s Chevy for the promenade.
At first this idea scared the plaid printing off of my boxer shorts, because I was acutely aware of several key facts: (1) the owner, Mike, had put what I would estimate to be several hundred thousand hours of work into the car, (2) the value of the car was probably worth at least a million times what I spent on snow cones from The Igloo last summer, (3) if I somehow...
Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 16 April 2008 01:14United States researchers have recently revealed the discovery of a very common disease that is not new, but has gone unnoticed and untreated for decades. The disease, named Male Pattern Mallness, is a temporarily crippling virus that can potentially affect any male at some point in his life.
Infected males cannot pass the infection on to other males, but all females are potentially strong carriers of the illness, said Harvard Medical School’s Professor R. . Syck.
According to Syck, Male Pattern Mallness can be contracted when a man goes to a shopping mall with his wife or girlfriend.
“The man will feel pretty good for a while,” said Syck, “but sooner or later the woman will see some sort of clothing store that she absolutely...
Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 02 April 2008 17:13I feel like I’ve been disillusioned. All of my life, I’ve been led to believe that poets were overly sensitive people who spend hours sitting in a dark room, meticulously putting their sensitive thoughts onto paper using sensitive words.
The poetry we always read in high school textbooks brought me to the basic understanding that poets are either depressed or in love, sometimes both.
Take Shakespeare’s famous Sonnet 18: “I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold….”
No, wait. That’s Psalm 18.
Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18 starts, “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”
Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 19 March 2008 05:18If there’s anything that you want to avoid under any circumstances, it’s making a satirical remark about how long it has been since your girlfriend last shaved her legs.
I learned this the hard way.
Shelby was telling me about her plans to dye her hair to give it more of a reddish tint. This was when I had one of those moments where something funny pops into my head that’s better left unsaid, but I blurted it out anyway.
“Why don’t you dye the hair on your legs while you’re at it,” I said. “Then it will match.”
I didn’t particularly mean anything by it, but I quickly found myself sitting alone on the couch as Shelby was marching up the stairs.
It’s not like I had a lot of room to talk. In fact, at that point I...
Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 05 March 2008 14:35Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve decided that Daylight Saving Time is just one big pain in the gluteus maximus.
An announcement in church last Sunday reminded everyone to set their clocks ahead. I decided I’m not going to.
As far as I’m concerned, if God had wanted earth’s rotation to be convenient for us, he would have installed some sort of dial in a fairly handy location so that we could adjust the speed at which our planet goes around the sun.
Then we could take a vote ever few years to see if the current speed is suiting everyone. If people feel there is too much or too little sunlight, then we could adjust the time until the next poll.
I think presidential elections would be an opportune time to do this. I think it would...
Page 29 of 35