It started with buttons on pockets

Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 30 June 2009 14:10

I recently had a rather morbid revelation, and it’s all because of the buttons on my back pockets.

I have adopted a personal pet peeve about buttons on back pockets. Once I have put my pants on, I find it very tedious to attempt to unbutton the pocket so I can put my wallet in the pocket over my right cheek.

So what I do is, instead of doing the dog-chasing-tale motion of twisting my back and spinning in circles to undo the button, I just toss my wallet in the armrest console in my 1994 Camaro, Max, when I leave the house.

I store lots of important things in my armrest console, including my passport, broken sunglasses, loose change congealed together with spilled soda pop and gum wrappers dating back to January.

And if you look in...

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A final dose of useless observations

Written by David Vogel Wednesday, 17 June 2009 07:12

Faithful readers of this column may have noticed that lately I have not been ending each article with a “UFO.”

If you did, sorry, but there is no prize money involved. You may, however, help yourself to the gum wrappers that I have been collecting in my car.

In January 2004, I started adding the “Useless Factual Observations.” Now, five years later, I am announcing the official retirement of these little ending pieces of trivia.

This is not to say that I will never ever, ever, ever again share a few random facts. But until then, here are a few to tide you over.

* * *

Speaking of: The etymology of the phrase “tide you over” is from the idea of the swelling tide, which will carry you over some obstacle, with the implication...

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Helping the economy can be taxing

Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 02 June 2009 14:09

As you may know, I am deeply interested in proposing ideas to help our national economy.

In March, for example, I explained my idea about giving corporate sponsorships to natural disasters as a cost-effective way for companies to promote their services.

You will be pleased to note that I have another smashing idea.

Actually, it isn’t 100 percent my idea, so I must give credit where credit is due. (That statement is actually quite pun-ny.)

President Barack Obama recently signed a bill that will restrain credit card companies from pounding the deadbeat customers with late fees and higher interest rates.

This is good news for payment-dodging credit customers. This is bad news, however, for credit card companies.

In fact, an article...

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Do I really have to drag this home?

Written by David Vogel Tuesday, 19 May 2009 14:44

There comes a point in every English-studying college student’s life when he or she must sit down and think to himself or herself: “Why is it so grammatically incorrect to use the word ‘they’ every once in a while?”

However, this is not the topic of this column. The paragraph above is called a “blind lead,” which is a news-writing term to describe an opening paragraph that must be led around by a large dog.

Haha! That’s not true either. I’m just doing what professional journalists call “wasting valuable space in the newspaper.” So let’s get right to the point, shall we?

There comes a point in every English-studying college student’s life when he or she must sit down and think to himself or herself: “Do I...

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