WARNING: the following column contains high levels of verbal irony. It is also political, but surprisingly impartial.

After taking in at least three minutes of each of the national party conventions in the past month, I have come to several conclusions about each of the candidates and his choice of running mate. What follows is my advice about how not to vote this November.

Do not vote for John McCain if you think change, any change, is better than traditional, tried-and-true methods of running America. Don’t cast a ballot for Barack Obama if you believe things have been great the past eight years, and you wouldn’t change a thing.

Don’t vote for Obama if you believe the Earth is man’s to subdue, as it says in the Bible, and if you believe saving the environment is overrated. Don’t support the election of McCain if you think drilling for more oil is a waste of time and money.

Don’t help elect McCain if you think it’s still to early in our nation’s history to have a woman just a heartbeat away from the presidency. Don’t campaign for Obama if you think a certain woman should have been the Democrats’ choice to represent the party in 2008.

Don’t place an “X” next to Obama’s name if you believe the trickle-down effect instigated by Ronald Reagan just needs a bit more time to start working. Shun McCain if you didn’t enjoy spending your stimulus check last summer.

Don’t support McCain if you don’t trust a war veteran and POW to know winning the war against terrorists and extremists is the nation’s top military priority. Pull your backing of Obama if you believe combat experience is a key ingredient in the making of a strong commander-in-chief.

Don’t vote for Obama if you believe race is an important factor in choosing the next president. Don’t vote for McCain if you think it’s time a black leader, any black leader, lives in the White House.

Base your decision not to endorse McCain on a belief that Comedy Central is the place to get the clearest and most fair election coverage. If Fox is your choice for impartial news, steer clear of Obama.

Do not be an Obama backer if either of the following is true: (1) you think being able to articulate your thoughts clearly in complete sentences and use the English language properly is not important; or (2) you still believe global warming is a hoax and that man didn’t land on the moon and that Area 51 is the government’s best-kept secret.

McCain should not garner your vote if: (1) you think it is critical a man knows how many houses he owns; or (2) you are a fan of big government.

When it comes to vice presidents, don’t approve the Republican ticket if you think the Alaskan governor is a pussycat in a panther’s clothing, and deny the Democrats if you believe Joe Biden will shoot off his mouth and put some unneeded heat on his boss.

In summary, perhaps the most comforting thing to remember about this election year is that, come the second week of November, it will all be over, and we can rest assured that whoever is elected to run this country, he will not be the electorate’s second choice.

And, after all, we can always blame any errant pick on our electoral college, which, as we well know from experience, is not capable of making a mistake.

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