In case you happen to be living under a rock, astronomers recently created a definite definition to define the defining features of a planet.

The new definition of a planet that astronomers came up with includes that the object must orbit around the sun (preferably our sun), is round because of gravity (not fast food), is the dominant object in that region of space (yes, THAT region of space, not the other one), and must not have a comical name that people can laugh at (for example, bearing the same namesake of an animated dog).

Needless to say, that last characteristic, the one about the funny name, is what got Pluto kicked out of its planetary position. However, this leads to wondering why another planet-whose name I will only say starts with a U and ends with a ranus-is still in.

Ha ha. I'm just poking some fun at the situation. Of course I'm just kidding that it was Pluto's name that got it kicked out. It got kicked out because it smelled funny.

But irregardless of the reason, the fact is Pluto is no longer a planet, but a dwarf planet. This raises a few alarming questions.

First, what got into astronomers' heads to make this a big deal at all? Second, why DWARF planet? And third, should "irregardless" really be considered a word since it means the same thing as "regardless," or should it be demoted to a dwarf word?

That first question brings me back to my original topic. Feel free to forget about the other two. I know I will.

Why did astronomers decide to write a definition for planet? Here's what I think: It's a desperate cry for help from a group of guys who really have nothing to do.

Think about it, if you were an astronomer, how would you fill your day? You can spend only so long squinting through a tube at objects far too tiny to actually see clearly before you go completely crazy.

Trust me, I know the feeling. In last year's biology class we spent a considerable amount of time looking through microscopes, trying to locate various living individuals that, in my opinion, looked a lot like blurry blobs.

It was only a matter of time before the petri dish of "stinking brew" (I'm not making up that name. It means gross pond water.) was removed from under the lens, only to be replaced by someone's thumb, pencil, ear wax, etc.

So you can just imagine what kind of pranks astronomers pull on each other with their huge, multi-million dollar telescopes:

"Hey guys, I can't seem to locate Xenon 238.4 (not its real name). What were its coordinates-Ohmygosh! Look at the size of that extra-terrestrial spider!"

You can see how these guys might go a little nuts every once in a while, which I feel is in direct correlation to the fact that suddenly astronomers felt the urge to make up a new definition for planets.

I think we Americans definitely need to climb out of the dugout of selfishness, step up to the plate of encouragement, take a swing at the fastball of creativity and make a bunt of new opportunities, which causes the ball of ingenuity to directly hit the right shin of the pitcher of bad baseball metaphors.

In other words, we need to come up with something for astronomers to do.

Take China, for example, which is using its declining food supply as an excuse to keep its astronomically oriented people busy. (You didn't think "astronomically" was a real word, did you? Neither did I.)

I recently came across an article that reported on China's latest space odyssey. They sent seeds into orbit. Apparently exposing seeds to "space radiation and microgravity" makes the resulting crops better.

I think this-as strange as it may sound-is a good idea. What we need to do now is match China's inventiveness with our own problem, and then send it up into space to see what happens.

Perhaps we could send up fast-food burgers to test how space radiation affects the fat content. Perhaps we could send people who talk on their cell phones for no apparent reason into orbit to test how it affects their conversations.

Perhaps I'd better stop before I make someone mad.

But let me just say that if we don't come up with something quick, astronomers from all over the world are going to pull another Pluto-like stunt.

For all we know, they could suddenly decide the sun doesn't deserve to be in our solar system anymore because it doesn't orbit anything. Then they would proceed to demote it to a dwarf star with a comical name like Grumpy.

I guess right now we should just accept the fact that our solar system only contains eight planets, and welcome dwarf planet Pluto with open arms. That is, assuming astronomers haven't already decided that this isn't really our solar system.

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UFO: Director John Ford hired an American Indian rainmaker to get the right weather for the filming of "She Wore a Yellow Ribbon" in 1949. It worked.

Don't ask why.