Specifically, if I want it to smell like a fruity beverage or ocean air.

I have to make this decision because the bathroom shower is currently stocked with these two scent choices of shampoo.

The reason for these "exotic" smells is that one of my family's favorite pastimes is going to Wal-Mart and smelling all the different shampoos they have.

In case you haven't noticed, Wal-Mart (Official motto: "If you can't find it, it's because you still haven't made it out of the parking lot.") has become the leading corporation holding the U.S. economy steady, listed right above other popular organizations such as Fatty Fast Food Restaurants Encouraging Healthy Lifestyles and Explosives That Can Be Compacted Into Your Shampoo Bottle.

Which brings me back to the point I was originally planning to make, which was that my family could walk into any given Wal-Mart across the United States (and several domesticated parts of Canada) with the sole intent of buying one classic crust, four cheese, Red Baron frozen pizza.

Which, by the way, happens to be located on the complete other end of the store than the personal hygiene products.

Yet somehow, and I think this might have something to do with that one wheel on every shopping cart that seems to pull in the wrong direction, we always end up in the aisle with the shampoos. And as long as we're there-why not?-we decide it should be mandatory to sniff every single scent of shampoo that Wal-Mart currently has in stock.

One of these days, I'm pretty sure somebody in my family is going to ask one of the those cranky employees in the pleasant "How May I Help You?" jacket if we can take a tour of their storeroom in the back, just in case the Wal-Mart is not currently displaying all their shampoo scents.

So then my family spends several minutes popping open the caps, sniffing, and then saying-fairly loudly-"Ooooh! Smell THIS one!"

By this point, other shoppers in the area are eyeing us suspiciously, grabbing their small children and fleeing toward the deodorant aisle.

Of course, there are lots of different deodorant scents, so these people are not safe there for long, if you catch my drift.

I, myself, am now also slowly edging away, toward the pet area, where I plan to act as if I don't know these people (my family), and am immensely interested in purchasing a guppy.

By the time everyone has smelled every single shampoo in the district, favorites are decided upon and are then placed in the cart. Naturally, we don't go to checkout right away, because we have to go to the automotive section and smell the different rubbers used on various brands of tires.

(Currently, Firestone is the highest ranked in my family.)

Of course, I'm just kidding. We don't really go to sniff the tires. We sniff the car air fresheners.

As you may have guessed, unless you are a complete moron, this is the process by which our shower now contains both the Fresh Berry Smoothie and Ocean Breeze scents of shampoo.

The problem is, I don't want my hair to smell like either of these. If I did, I wouldn't use the chemically created, synthetic fragrances that are put into these shampoos.

In the event I do get the urge to make my hair smell like a Smoothie, I will personally go to the grocery store (or Wal-mart) and pick up the necessary materials, buy them, blend them all together, and then dump the drink over my head.

It's that simple.

You may be wondering now what I DO want my hair to smell like. And I'll tell you right now: shampoo.

As far as I can tell, there are plenty of hair products available that do not smell like a fresh produce market. They may have some sort of scent, but the company doesn't give it an elaborate name, nor does the company use large quantities of dye to color the shampoos.

My ideal shampoo has the scent of clean, and is the color of white.

Nothing fancy, nothing fruity. This is not to say, however, that my family is fruity.

I guess for now, I'll just use the shampoos that are currently in the shower. But I will tell you this: If we come home from Wal-Mart next time with a new scent titled "Goodyear Rubber Fusion," THAT'S where I draw the line.

* * *

UFO: In the 1700s, trappers could get a dollar for a buckskin. Hence the term "buck."

Don't ask why.