My qualifications are few, but that doesn't stop anyone else nowadays. Besides, I'm an admitted lifelong sportsaholic and I've been active in sports ever since I was in diapers juggling pacifiers.

The possibilities are endless. The following fictitious examples demonstrate how I might help. Just remember, you get what you pay for.

Let's start with a possible question coming from Asheville Tourists baseball manager Joe Mikulik, who recently received a seven-day suspension and $1,000 fine for throwing a major league temper tantrum in the minor leagues.

Dear Joe: Do I have what it takes to be a major league manager?

Dear Mr. Mikulik: I don't know much about your managing ability, but there's no doubt that you can abuse umpires with the best of them. In fact, your tantrum would have made former big league managers Lou Piniella, Earl Weaver and Tommy Lasorda proud.

You showed rare form in picking up second base and throwing it into the outfield. And in the very same tantrum, you also threw a resin bag, tossed bats from the dugout onto the field and kicked dirt on the umpire and home plate.

Then you showed some creativity by washing home plate with some bottled water before spiking the bottle on home plate.

You gave parents a wonderful life lesson and opportunity to teach their children what it looks like when a 30-something-year-old man acts like a 2-year-old.

Have you considered a little anger management training?

If nothing else, you could become a comedian. Your comments after the debacle were funny: "I could get two mannequins at Sears and umpire better than what I saw this whole series," and, "I thought the strike was over. When will the real umpires show up?"

Dear Joe: The basketball officiating is awful. Our NBA officials may not see well, but their judgment is worse. What's an owner to do? -Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban.

Dear Mark: Before you start a Cuban Whistle Crisis, a phrase I borrowed by the way, you might encourage your team to make better passes and shots. In other words, don't put yourself in a position where a close call affects the outcome of a game.

Perhaps you can take solace in the fact that fans everywhere think the officials are against their team. I'm not sure how that's even possible, but that's what happens when you blame everyone but your team for losing a game.

Dear Joe: Can you help me become a better free-throw shooter?" -Shaquille O'Neal

Dear Shaq: For a mere $50,000 investment, I think I can guarantee you won't be any worse after my help. You are a smart person. Surely you know that the ball has a better chance of going in when you shoot the ball over the front of the rim instead of trying to go through the rim.

Have your agent call my agent and we'll work something out.

Dear Joe: How can I improve my public image? I don't understand it, but the media hates me, the fans outside of San Francisco boo me, and I'm pretty sure you don't like me. -Barry Bonds

Dear Barry: With an attitude like that, what's not to like?

Dear Joe: I love sports and I love playing video games for hours. In fact, I hardly ever lose. What do you think about my future in sports?" -Hopeful Student-Athlete

Dear Hopeful: Your future athletic career is hopeless unless you spend more time working on the real deal. I know work or practice is a novel concept nowadays, but if you keep playing video games, you'll get nothing more than carpal tunnel syndrome.