But I do think I might have inadvertently discovered a key element that has been contributing to the fact that my generation is going to be the reason why the United States suddenly explodes due to the intense, near-radioactive vibrations caused by the bass in the music we youth are listening to.

You know what I'm talking about.

You're walking down the street, and suddenly you are jolted from your peaceful stroll by the sidewalk pulsating under your feet. The first few times this happened to you, you probably thought you were experiencing a minor earthquake.

Of course, by now, I'm sure you are aware that the cause of this quaking is in fact a teenager's car, located about 10 miles away, with the bass cranked up to "frappe."

I feel badly for the guy who gets caught with one of these teenagers' Cars of Doom driving directly past him. There's no doubt in my mind that he will massively, and without warning, explode into billions of tiny molecular particles, which will zip through the atmosphere and splat onto windshields as far away as North Dakota.

(This is, however, assuming that North Dakota is still there. Now that I think about it, they've been pretty quiet lately. Maybe somebody better go up there and check on them.)

I personally have chosen to be courteous, and only have my car's bass level set to "pulp."

But the purpose of this column was not to discuss the choice of music youth are making these days. The point I was planning to make was my recent discovery as to why today's youth are pretty much seen as complete morons.

We aren't trying to be jerks, we just are.

Anyway, you know how you'll just be sitting somewhere quietly, minding your own business, when-BAM-you have a sudden insight into the meaning of life and the universe in general?

Well, that didn't happen to me.

But what did happen was I was sitting on top of the slide at the Hillsboro Family Aquatic Center, when a semi major thought crossed my mind.

Sitting on top of the slide is part of my job description at the aquatic center. The Support Staff is supposed to be up there to let the patrons know when it's safe to go down, and also to inspect their swimsuits to ensure that there are no metal or plastic objects that could harm the slide.

If it hadn't been for the inspecting swimsuits rule, I wouldn't be writing this column right now. This is because a kid came up wearing something that made the problem of today's generation very clear to me. And that problem is: We're wearing the wrong pants.

Please, hold your Nobel Prize nominations until the end of the column.

This kid's swim trunks were so long-and please bear in mind that I am only slightly exaggerating-that there was only 5 inches of leg actually showing.

The first thing that ran through my head was, "Should I tell him his pants are getting too short?"

But if you think about it, we really are wearing the wrong pants. It has always been my understanding that the purpose of wearing shorts is to actually leave a good half of your leg uncovered so that you may remain comfortably cool during the warmer seasons.

Yet I'm sure you too have seen guys walking around with their shorts hanging around their ankles. Part of the problem may be that much of their underwear also is showing, but I don't feel like discussing this right now.

And don't even get me started on jeans, because I've already gotten myself started.

Apparently, it has become "cool" within the past several years to buy jeans preworn-out.

You know how you think someone has got to be doing pretty well when they own their own yacht, vineyard, expensive jewelry, or-in Donald Trump's case-several small continents?

Well, for my generation, it is a sign of high social status to have holes in your jeans. The bigger and more holes you have, the better you must be doing.

So it has come to my conclusion that today's youth are not complete morons as a result of massive bad parenting, spoiling and watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as children. The reason for our stupid behavior is in fact the reality that we've been dressing in the wrong leg wear for far too long, and now that we've reached our teenage years, the bad judgment has crept into other key social issues.

But I feel that if we can work as a country to fix these attire problems-possibly have Dress Education sessions in high school health classes, or air those touchy-feely, parent/teenager bonding public service announcements with the slogan being, "It's never the wrong time to talk to your teenager about pants"-we will be able to get the upcoming generations straight and have this nation back on the road to being the successful and thriving population it has the potential to be.

If you have any ideas you would like to contribute to this issue, please feel free to tell me. But talk loudly, I can't hear you that well over my bass.

* * *

UFO: Homing pigeons can't find their way home if a magnet is tied to their neck.

Don't ask why.