Another form of reality testing with confused folks is to ask them very simple questions, "Do you know your name? Can you tell me the date or season? Can you name the president of the United States?"

If you fail to answer these questions correctly, a quick note is made: "patient does not appear oriented to person, place and time."

There are such unfortunates.

I am considering adding a new psychiatric evaluation question: "Is the president listening to your phone conversations?"

If the patient insists this is highly unlikely, because she is merely a humble citizen who poses no threat to the government, I will make a note, stating, "Patient is delusional and may benefit from a full psychiatric examination."

Because the government is listening to your phone calls. We are crazy-in the most clinical sense-if we don't believe this.

Richard Nixon nearly got ran out of office because he was wiretapping the phone calls of his enemies. (He limited himself to civil rights folks, cranky journalists and Democrats.)

President Bush is more fair and balanced. He is listening to the phone calls of both his enemies and his friends.

Of course, the government is hoping to get lucky and eavesdrop on a phone message like this:

"Hey, Achmed, this is Omar calling. There is a big bomb set to go off at 3:39 on Tuesday at the overpass on I-70. You might want to take off work early at the falafel factory so you can avoid the traffic jam. Love to the wives. Ta Ta."

But what the government is more likely to intercept is high school girls text-messaging about potential boyfriends-in codes that even CIA cryptologists will take decades to decipher-and old ladies gossiping in their native Low German, Farsi, Urdu or Navaho, thinking they can speak freely since the grandchildren don't understand the language.

When Washington gives us lemons, those of us with a sense of humor and a strong survival instinct have no choice but to make lemonade.

The trick is to use the National Security Agency for your benefit. I am dropping my call waiting and caller ID service. My phone company charges extra for all the bells and whistles on my phone service. But as a taxpayer-it is reasonable to expect the government to give me some free extras for my phone service.

Besides, this is my way of getting back at AT&T that so graciously gave my privacy to the government.

From now on I will call the National Security Agency at 301-688-6524 and ask nicely, "Could you please tell me if I missed any phone calls today. Check your records and let me know."

And every so often I get billed for long distance calls I am certain I didn't make.

"Heck, I don't even know anybody in Yarrow, Alaska. How could I have called them three times?"

But now I have a support system for dealing with AT&T. I call the NSA and have them verify that I didn't make the calls and send a printout to my phone company.

Actually the phone companies can be forced to pay each customer $1,000 for violating his or her confidentiality.

If the pending class-action lawsuit is successful, we all win. This certainly beats getting a $100 tax refund for a free tank of gas recently offered by the Republicans in Congress.

Maybe I will call the NSA and ask if in addition to being on a "Do not call" list, I can also be placed on a "Do not listen" list.