However, my mom has me pumped up on so many herbs that if I felt the need, I could open my own personal Medicine Man hut.

The only activities I'm left with are either sleeping or watching the current children's show on PBS. Sleeping is not a great way to spend time while skipping school, so I'm choosing the latter, which happens to be Barney. Boy does this take me back!

As a child, Barney was my role model, my hero. He was everything a 4-year-old such as myself wanted to be: tall, a nonstop supply of energy, musical and, most of all, purple.

I spent many a sick day curled up in the recliner, watching the kids skip around the schoolyard set, singing their songs, with Barney standing off to the side, with the technical crew trying desperately to keep his mouth movements in sync with the lyrics.

Although Barney messed me up when it came to singing classic folk songs (While all my friends were singing, "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony," I was singing, "Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination"), I still loved him and dreamed of someday having the privilege of skipping on that same set with Barney, singing with the approximate four nation-wide viewers who happened to be up that early.

And if Mom puts me on any more herbs, I probably could be skipping with Barney right now.

So now, 12 years later, I find myself curled up on the recliner early in the morning, watching Barney trying to move his mouth with the rest of the cast, none of whom I know. I guess that's what happens when you stop watching a show for over a decade.

But I'm trying to keep up, because dag-nabbit, there sure is a lot of fun stuff going on with Barney today. This is difficult for me, because right now I'm not thinking terribly straight, which is mainly due to the fact that my head has clearly reached the Mesosphere layer of the atmosphere. My hair also hurts.

In addition, I am now completely convinced that scientists were not lying when they said that our air is made up of billions of tiny matter called molecules. This is because I can feel them all banging into my body.

So now I'm curious as to what else scientists have been telling the truth about for all these years. I had always imagined that all they did the entire day was sit in their multi-million-dollar labs, drink smoothies and write applications for more research grants, which would pay off their smoothie tabs.

Perhaps all life really did evolve from a single-celled organism. Perhaps our universe really did form out of a major explosion.

Perhaps I'm on too many herbs.

But this is the least of my problems, because I'm having difficulty breathing.

Not having the stomach flu is great, except for the fact that the only remaining option is that you get the OTHER flu, which basically effects the major part of your body: the throat.

At least, that's the only body part that I can focus on right now.

Every time I swallow, it feels like I have an entire set of those Only Available on TV, Special Offer, Wonder Knives That Cut Through Any Surface, Including the Infomercial Hosts' Hand slicing down my throat.

Being sick, I've had plenty of time to watch infomercials. I just watched one for a juicer, which is not only "whisper loud," but also promises to produce 30 percent more juice from the same apple as the other brand of juicer. I would like to know how they tested the same apple in both machines.

However, with these knives in my throat, I'm just waiting to receive my receipt stating the Four Easy Payments of $19.95!

The other breathing issue I'm having is that one nostril is completely blocked with a mucus-like substance that I can't get rid of. This leaves the other nostril to do all the work, which is causing a dry, burning sensation in the top, back part of my throat every time I inhale. It's not unlike someone slowly sizzling your flesh with a Bic lighter.

But I have to go lie down. My head has clearly just passed through the Thermosphere, and is now orbiting Jupiter. I really don't know how much longer I'm going to remain conscious.

All I do know is that I love you, you love me, we're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me, too?

* * *

UFO: Americans use 4.8 billion gallons of water flushing toilets each day.

Don't ask why.