First, if you try to write about an upcoming event, by the time the column gets published, the information is either outdated or wrong.

For example, if I were to write about NASA's Discovery mission in this column, I could congratulate NASA on its success and talk about all the wonderful things that the astronauts have done.

But of course, before the column is printed, NASA will discover that after all the repairs they have made to the shuttle, they don't have enough funds for the fuel to actually launch the rocket.

Maybe I would be safer just writing about the rising gasoline prices.

A true-life example of this issue is presented in Dave Barry's book, "Boogers Are My Beat."

(By the way, Hillsboro contains approximately one Dave Barry book that is available for the public to borrow. To check out "Boogers Are My Beat," I had to have the school librarian search all of the schools in Kansas. The results of that search were approximately five Dave Barry books.)

Anyway, one of the columns Dave included in this book was about the results of the 2000 presidential elections (George Bush vs. the inventor of the Internet).

The problem was, Dave had actually written the column while the polls were still open. When he wrote about information that was not yet available at the time, he added a note for his editor to stick the needed information in.

This technically shouldn't have been a problem, except that 2000 was the year most of Florida forgot how to count. So when the column was published, the results of the election still weren't final.

Following is an actual quote from this column ("A Wacky Path for Politics"):

"Now, let's analyze the presidential election. As you can imagine, I was up all night scrutinizing the returns. (NOTE TO EDITOR: The truth is, I'm still writing this while the polls are still open. I don't plan to watch the returns. I plan to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and be asleep by 9:15 p.m. So I need some help finishing this analysis.)"

And at the end of the column Dave really got caught with:

"I predicted the outcome of this election right on the money in a column I wrote on April 17, 1997. My exact words were 'The next president of the United States will definitely be (NOTE TO EDITOR: Please insert the winner's name here).'"

So anyway, I would hate to write a column a couple weeks in advance, saying that the crew of Discovery made a major, scientific breakthrough, when in fact they had gone out for lunch at McDonald's together on the day the column was published.

The second problem with writing a column way in advance is that I can't write about current events, because they will be outdated by the time this reaches print.

By the time you read this, most of you will have probably already heard about the Great Flip-Flop Flap at the White House. So you would be incredibly bored if I talked about how the Northwestern University's national championship women's lacrosse team wore flip-flops during a visit to the White House to meet George Bush!

The problem is, by the time you would read about that, your opinions would already be formed, and I wouldn't be able to make jokes about the big ordeal without getting a lot of people angry.

(By the way, it's a stupid issue. At least they weren't bare-footed. Also, if you look at the picture, they look like they dressed up pretty well. And Bush doesn't seem terribly disturbed.)

But some people still have to make a big deal out of it, including the Chicago Tribune, which printed the headline "YOU WORE FLIP-FLOPS TO THE WHITE HOUSE?!"

I say get over it and pass a "No Laces, No Photo" policy at the White House.

Another news item I wanted to write about features a carnivorous caterpillar.

I recently came across an Associated Press article by Randolph E. Schmid that describes a newly discovered type of caterpillar. Unlike the cute and fuzzy caterpillars that we have here on the Plains, this Hawaiian caterpillar is a menace.

It attacks innocent snails.

According to the article, when the caterpillars come across a snail resting on a leaf, the caterpillar will begin spinning its silk-the same silk we originally thought they used exclusively for their innocent cocoons-around the snail. Once wrapped in the silk, the snail is trapped and cannot escape by dropping off the leaf.

Because this is a family newspaper-with a daddy newspaper and a mommy newspaper with a boy newspaper and a little newspaper on the press-I won't describe what happens next. But to quote Daniel Rubinoff from the University of Honolulu, "They wrap 'em up and then they go in, the snail doesn't really have a chance."

The article states that researchers have observed 18 different snail attacks by 10 caterpillars!

Obviously, we have a rogue caterpillar on our hands here. If they're going for snails today, who's to say that it won't be birds tomorrow? House pets in a week? Richard Simmons in a month?

While this would have made a great column, by the time you'd get to read it, those caterpillars would have probably already migrated to Kansas. Plus, an Amber Alert would have been issued for Richard Simmons.

So as you can see, I have a very large dilemma for what to do with this week's column. Writing a column in advance stinks. But my family is leaving on a week-long trip pretty soon, so if you'll excuse me, I have to go pack my clothes and try to find something to write about.

* * *

UFO: A 100-ton whale will usually eat its own weight in microscopic krill every month!

Don't ask why.