When the team suffers through a dismal season, fans have several options - laugh, cry, criticize or all of the above. Personally I prefer the humorous approach.

For example, "What has 18 legs and lives in the cellar? The Kansas City Royals."

Losing is not fun. Losing a lot is even less fun, although if you lose enough to rank among the worst teams of all-time, there's a novelty that makes it almost bearable.

We all know that losing is tough on management, the players and their families. I tend to empathize with Royals radio announcers Denny Matthews and Ryan Lefebvre. How do you keep your chin up and present hope during a three-hour broadcast when your team masquerades as the Bad News Bears?

Through it all, Denny and Ryan have maintained their professionalism. But it must be difficult. If they didn't have to worry about their next paycheck, the broadcast might sound more like this:

Denny: "The Royals got the man they wanted when they hired Buddy Bell."

Ryan: "Indeed they did, Denny. Everyone knows that the Royals wanted an experienced manager. Bell not only has plenty of managerial experience, he's an experienced big league manager with a losing record, which is good, because he's likely to lose more than he wins with the Royals."

Denny: "Bell got off on the right track by winning four straight and six of his first eight games as Royals skipper."

Ryan: "You're right, Denny. But it's kind of a shame. Instead of generating national interest by threatening the all-time record for most losses in a season, the Royals will simply go down as another bad baseball team."

Denny: "And if the Royals don't revert to the way they played in April and May, they won't break the league record for the team that broke the most losing streaks. If the Royals were a football team, every road game would be the opponents' homecoming."

Ryan: "There's talk that if Bell can't get the ship on the right track-"

Denny: "That's a lousy analogy. Ships don't run on tracks. Trains do."

Ryan: "There's talk that if Bell can't right the ship, the Royals should hire a manager who will bring more excitement to the organization and its fans."

Denny: "Earlier you said the Royals got the man they wanted, but I wonder if the Royals should take a nontraditional approach and hire a woman. We could be the first team to hire a female major league manager. At least we would be first at something besides being the first team mathematically eliminated from the playoffs by July 4."

Ryan: "There probably would be a short list of qualified candidates, but I think Condoleeza Rice shows managerial potential. And don't forget, she works for President Bush, who used to be a major league baseball owner."

Denny: "I'm afraid we digress. Let's remind loyal Royals fans to order their 2005 Royals highlights video for only $19.95."

Ryan: "Why? (pause) I mean, why yes!"

Denny: "The video will feature five minutes of Royals highlights and 25 minutes of bloopers."

Ryan: "You know, I really think the Royals can see light at the end of the tunnel."

Denny: "I agree. Let's just hope it's not an oncoming train."

* * *

Now that you're in the spirit of the season, please indulge me as I propose new lyrics to the traditional song for the seventh-inning stretch at Kansas City home games.

Take me out to the ball game.

Take me out to the crowds.

Buy me some peanuts and plump hot dogs,

I don't care if my arteries clog.

For it's root, root, root for the Royals

If they don't win that's okay

For it's one, two, three strikes we're out

Playing at home or away.