Kleinsasser encouraged to resign as Free Press Sports Columnist
Suffice it to say, I was shocked and appalled when I was asked to resign as Hillsboro Free Press sports columnist.
Before sending thank-you notes and heaping praise on the publisher or editor for making such a suggestion, please understand that they didn't ask for my resignation. Not even disgruntled readers, as far as I know, have asked for my resignation.
No, the suggestion that I immediately tender my resignation came from none other than my agent, I.M. Slick.
Naturally, I asked the obvious question: "Why should I resign?" His response was that there's no future in being a sports columnist in Hillsboro. The ensuing conversation was enlightening.
Joe: "What do you mean there's no future as a sports columnist here?"
Slick: "Because I like you, I'm going to shoot straight with you. What sports columnist in his right mind wants to work in a market where the prospects for success are huge for nearly every team?"
Joe: "It sounds kind of ideal to me. When coaches, athletes and fans are happy, everybody is happy."
Slick: "You just don't get it, do you? I guess I have to spell it out for you. What fun is it to write about so many successful teams? Let's face it. It's boring. There's not enough controversy here. How can you exhibit your second-guessing skills when everyone is winning?
"In order for you to expand your horizons and your opportunities to be controversial, you need to go someplace like Chicago. After all, the Cubs consistently choke. The Bulls stink. The White Sox can't find a way to win a weak division. The Blackhawks also stink, at least they did before the National Hockey League players went on strike.
"Even nearby Notre Dame has joined the win-at-all-costs coaching carousel controversy by firing a football coach after just three seasons.
"Meanwhile, you have very little to write about in this Kansas wasteland of athletic giddiness."
Joe: "Well, it's true that most of Hillsboro's local teams post winning records year after year. The high school and college basketball teams annually compete for championships. The volleyball programs are winners. The cross country and track-and-field teams are strong. The high school had a down year in football, but they usually have a winning season."
Slick: "Like I said. It's boring. It's downright disgusting. You can't even make wisecracks about Tabor's football program anymore. It looked like Tabor might take a step back after their miracle coach Tim McCarty moved on to greener pastures-but no, Tabor hires his assistant, Mike Gardner, and he leads Tabor to its first KCAC football championship in his first year at the helm. It's just not right."
Joe: "But that's a great story, and I'm happy for him. It's fun to write about personal success stories and winning teams."
Slick: "Fun? Did I hear you say fun? You've got it all wrong. Fun is criticizing coaches and administrators for not running a program the right way. Fun is being able to point out when others make mistakes and say, 'I told you so.' Fun is putting others in their place. Fun is writing about athletes who fail in the classroom or cause trouble with the law. Fun is writing about athletes who use steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs.
"What fun is it when all of your teams win? What are you supposed to do for material?"
Joe: "People like to read about their teams and their kids, especially when they're winning. I'm not afraid to give a dissenting opinion and challenge the status quo, but generally I'm more of a 'glass half full' kind of guy instead of a 'glass half empty' person."
Slick: "So instead of dispensing wisdom to the masses in a larger market and earning a bigger paycheck, you're going to continue wasting your words in small-town USA."
Joe: "Well, I don't see the wisdom of being critical just for the sake of being critical. If that's what it takes to succeed, I guess I'll resign myself to doing something I enjoy around people who are enjoyable."
