Category: Don’t Ask Why

Past prom plan now seems…?

It was every high school students’ nightmares come true: It was prom night. I didn’t have a date. I sat by myself. I wore the wrong clothes. Nobody even noticed I was there. I spent the whole time in the corner. And I left early. Then again, this happened last Saturday, not in 2008, and I was the sound guy. […]

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Backyard is the cat’s meow

When Jordan controlled Eastern Jerusalem from 1948 through 1967, Jews were restricted from visiting the western retaining wall of the Temple Mount. In 2010, 10 million practicing Jews made the pilgrimage to sacred Wailing Wall. To come near to the temple is to come near to God. In the six decades following 1892, Ellis Island in Upper New York Bay […]

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Nothing like ‘Great Outdoors’

There’s nothing quite like that first day of spring-like weather to subconsciously erase the bitter claustrophobia of an entire winter completely from your memory. Perhaps it’s the unadulterated kiss of pure golden sunlight on your skin, the faint whisper of sweet pollen wafting through the air, or the insatiable need to write in the style of a lunatical William Wordsworth. […]

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Awards shows miss real world

I don’t generally watch the glitzy Hollywood award shows on TV, but I happened to catch the final half hour of last weekend’s Oscars. I quickly became aware of two things. First, my tastes in cinematic excellence must be way off, because while the Academy honored depressing film after depressing film after deeply and horrifically and bone-chillingly depressing film, I’m […]

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Nessie’s status is under review

There’s an old saying among scientists, and it goes like this: Never follow a schmuck who gets worked up about impertinent biological propaganda and then writes about it in the newspaper. I might have made that up, but after this column there probably will be a saying like that. Last week, as the AARP-card-wielding population mourned the passing of Shirley […]

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A love tale worthy of Lifetime

Since Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us—that’s right, me, start ordering those mylar balloons now, before you forget!—I can’t help but think back to my first foray into that crazy little thing. It’s a tale of love and loss. Of enchantment and betrayal. Of firsts and lasts. And it all happened in 1999. (If any Lifetime Original Movie executives happen […]

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Super Bowl yes, football no….

This may sound crazy, but none of us is completely sane. Somewhere deep inside our brains are a few straight jacket-wearing neurons that are perceiving reality at a slightly skewed angle. It’s different for each of us: a bad comb-over becomes a full head of hair, or a 15-minute jog becomes an immediate 5-pound loss, or a yield sign exists […]

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Wife key to this male’s survival

In his wildly popular blockbuster novel soon to be a movie in a theater near you “On the Origin of Species,” Charles Darwin explains that the male gender of any species is much more likely to survive if he has a wife, because she will make sure he stays alive. Actually, I made that up. I have no idea what […]

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2013: Last, long, lingering look

Here we are, standing on the brink of what experts are anticipating to be a brand-new year. It’s a moment when, as we look to the future, it seems also appropriate to take one final glance back on the journey that brought us here. A journey of trials and victories, of skepticism and anticipation and of really big signs commemorating […]

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Pole-iticians pose a freeze-out

NORTH POLE—With only a week left before its biggest day of the year, pole-iticians at the world’s Christmas capital remain divided on a controversial issue that could result in a partial holiday freeze-out. And Santa Claus is saying they’d better watch out. “We’re working around the Christmas tree to avoid the freeze-out,” said Don Wenou, Claus’s press representative. “But if […]

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